Purpose in life is to bring awareness to OUR mental closet traumas that plague society & strongly within the black community still to this day.
My story sheds light. We are all have a fear of being abandoned:
To which we unknowingly create: A fractured familial foundation.
As each generation continues to pass down:
Unresolved trauma. Secretly.
Instead of stories that empower one another.
I recorded this video: October 2022
Which captures a misdirected emotional response instead of empathy from:
"The confused boy".
After being made aware of: 1. That I fainted, and then 2. in the process, of falling I banged the back of my head on my office desk and 3. I had a subsequent mini seizure.
According to the Paramedics and the ER:
This is the 3rd X = Epilepsy.
I expect no one to save me.
As I've ALWAYS had to save myself.
I do anticipate: That one day my King will protect my vulnerability, because now. I know my value!
What's really sad, is that these human beings are selfish as fuck:
They would rather knock someone down rather than use their "feelings" to help others grow.
I believe you can ALWAYS see light while you're in the dark.
It simply comes down to what you decide to see.
After dealing with my own shit. I've realized: I needed to slow down:
I've had "50 cent's toxic family" around me out of familiarity and fear of being alone.
These human beings are uncapable, unable and unwilling to learn
how to express their emotions.
They've developed manipulation tactics for emotional survival
growing up, being emotionally oppressed
by toxic ideologies
which created inherited
crabs in a bucket.
These humans stifle my growth.
And assisted in sabotaging me away from my life's purpose.
They collectively took my unconditional love for granted.
On the day, that I vowed to always protect
I confined myself to a mental imprisonment. With my ego as the guard.
I unconsciously betrayed my inner self,
Therefore: I've suffered 20 years of my own negative karma!
My journey: Of spiritual awakening
of my consciousness.
Put your seatbelt on, it's been a ride.
There are many lessons that I'd like you to take away:
Lesson 1: Misusing words causes confusion to the mind.
When the mind is confused. It's easy to be manipulated.
You're a victim. When you're confused.
Because when you're dizzy. You can't discern other's intentions.
- Danielle Officer
ENTER | IN THE BEGINNING:
I had an amazingly NOT normal childhood filled with sleep away camps and family vacations. I mean I even played the violin in my school's orchestra, and I was queen bee of the debate team! Myself and my siblings were sheltered from certain scrupulous members of my family. When we did come in contact, I recall being called "the Oreo". In reference to the fact that I'm black and I speak what they consider "proper". Thinking back: "I owned that shit by calling myself the whitest black girl ever"!
That was up until I was around 14, which was when I found out my father was not my birth father by way of my birth certificate.
Background: I had my mother's maiden name. As a child this never posed as an issue, as I was unaware of the discrepancy or that it even mattered. That was: up until I needed my birth certificate for school. My mom kind of; just gave it to me. Let's just say in a manner that made me feel terrible for even asking for it (confusing for a child)!
This was the start of some very traumatic events. Some may relate and some may gasp and drop their jaw at my mother. In my healing, closure came the moment I accepted my mother as a human!
For me now: I understand, for a woman to go through an extreme measure such as hide my name from me. She must have had some heavy trauma she was fleeing from. See there. This had nothing to do with me but everything to do with me.
When I put things in that perspective. I don't harbor negative unproductive thoughts
(You know the: I don't even know who I am now. How could she?!? Instead, I tell myself: your making excuses and creating a false reality. Just to be upset.
For me that = An adult who hasn't learned how to deal with her emotions. Which is not a reference I like for myself.
At 36 I learned it's not my mother's fault for my anger & frustrations. I had complete control over everything the whole time. Considentially I experienced my own bit of karma as my own daughter felt abandoned by me. During my "SHIT GETS' CRAZY" era More on this later. But with that I forgive myself for harboring unproductive thoughts. People have already been emotionally and physically abusive to her, why add to it?
That same year, I lost my virginity to an older man (22). Who the next day had another girl in his bed. (Gut punch & confusing for a 15-year-old girl who thought she was in love).
I've grown as I now know: The incidents prior, made me broken and lacking the knowledge of how to discern other's intentions. Men in particular. Developed from a child who had a void in her foundation. A father to give her the facts of life and guidance.
My foundation was broken the day I discovered my true reality (trauma) and was not explained the reasoning behind the decision. Now I understand the importance of telling children the truth: At their level, of course. It allows them to not make up negative self-fantasies in their head which leads to misdirected emotions.
In frustration I would take long walks (natures works well for us empaths).
At 15 while walking at night to clear my head. A group of six men dragged me into a dark alley off Farmers Blvd in Queens, NY and sexually assaulted me. This incident left me with guilt, confusion, shame & self-disrespect for years! I had also developed night terrors and a fear of going out at night alone.
That changed when legally learned how to protect myself with a firearm!
This period is still a bit hazy. I recall running away from home. Having sex with strange men for money. I stripped in dirty places where I was introduced to a female.
Who approached me with a smile. While taking a shower. And kissed me. I was so lost and numb. I didn't really care what was happening. And that's the moment I became bisexual. I guess.
At 16, I gave birth to my eldest daughter. Not a child from the assault. This relationship ended quickly. And that's all about him folks. But I was somewhat aware of the effects of my own trauma. So, it was most important for my daughter to know whom her father was and in whatever capacity he shows up. NOW I feel it's my job to navigate her through the waters of truth. Therefore, she will be better at discerning people and relationships.
At 18, as a single mom. Or what I like to call a guppy swimming directly into the shark tank.
For me: Time to grow up bigger, I had no other choice but to go and take care of me and my daughter.
That meant finishing high school. Getting a job. To provide a roof over our heads. (Looking back, that's the strength I saw in my mother) When your handed shit. Just make the best tasting lemonade with what's in front of you.
So, I went to school full time during the day and had 2 part time jobs: 1 @ Applebee's in Valley Stream, NY and the other at The Hard Rock Cafe, Manhattan, NY (Peep my game. I controlled my time. By obtaining 2 flexible part time jobs.
It's easy to get someone to pick up an extra shift. It's impossible to be flexible with a boxed in office job.
And still I had my daughter in head start and attended every family activity alone)!
Lesson 2: Misusing words causes confusion to the mind.
When the mind is confused. It's easy to be manipulated.
You're a victim. When you're confused.
Because when you're uninformed. You don't know how discern other's intentions.
- Danielle Officer
ENTER | SURVIVAL: 20 YEARS
At this point I used my tax refund to obtain my tan 02 Chevy Malibu. Which was literally more important to me than an apartment!
(Some mental nourishment: To not consider another perspective is ignorance.
Which could also be the info you need to grow).
For me: A car would get me to work. And both of us to school. And we could sleep in it. I could always find places for us to clean up.
I couldn't afford both an apartment and car. So, I had to make a choice as to what is important.
During this time. I met my future children's father Michael Francis aka Continental Five aka Two Five aka 50 cent's cousin. An instant bond forms like guerilla glue between me and Michael. See when we first met, he was vulnerable to me (completely. well, at least I thought he was, more on the masks and trauma bonding later). As I was to him. (My coping mechanism: I gave him too much of me. Too soon. Broken & wanting to just be accepted for being me). It felt magical. Like we were just connected. (See the fantasies we ladies create in our own heads, this was simply bonding by our childhood traumas) Our paths although very different were the same in my head.
Meaning I was raised in Riverhead, NY ("pretty proper").
He was from South Jamaica, Queens ("the hood").
I was unaware of all the stigma surrounding his family.
I just saw an amazing spirit in him.
I tell him my living "situation" so without skipping a beat, he had me and my daughter "kinda" move in with him & his parents. (Before you say aww keep reading. I say kinda because like I mentioned earlier, we were sleeping in my Malibu. I also don't recall if an actual conversation took place with his parents around us staying there).
I had a fear of rejection and being open with another person was hard after the trauma that happened thus far. His act of accepting me flawed n all and then generosity to open a door for me and my daughter to be safe... My unconscious mind started telling me: He was my protector.
He showed such strength, such authority, such power. I saw all this in him, and I wanted to be protected. (Again, the stories our auto pilot brain creates especially when were young and don't value ourselves. His disrespect to his parents should have been a character flag. 2. Understand this: Just because someone helps you doesn't mean you owe them. anything). Which all equated to lack of respect for his foundation and entitlement.
For me now: the proper way to handle that would have been to acknowledge his parents by having an honest conversation with them. and ask. not expect them to say yes. If the answer was no and he truly valued me. He would have found a way for us to be safe.
Helping me in a tight spot is looking out. As I stated earlier: I made him my everything. I now understand the fact that each person can only save themselves first.
Remember, I was the guppy swimming faster in the shark tank. He had been through dangerous life experiences (street stuff) which made him a protector in my eyes. In my mind I could swim (fast I mean my plans & strategies are legendary)! without having to pay attention in these dangerous as hell waters (The world)! That day I made a vow to always protect the person that I thought would protect me. Michael. (Right there my mind: created a facade of balance).
I went into the relationship an unbalanced and broken person looking to my partner (who had his own trauma) for the answers. When he was trying to figure out his own path. IMO it's not anyone's responsibility. It's my responsibility to identify my shit and stop my unhealthy behavior.
Living with his parents was at first great. I would hang out with his mother, let's call her "Gee".
Gee took me to get my hair done. I would hang out with her and her friends. We hung out at her friend's bar. Gee treated my daughter like her own grandchild which was comforting. It felt truly nice to have a family who accepted us as at this time we did not have a "complete family" and Gee felt familiar.
Lesson 3: "We have to see the value in ourselves individually"
- Ms. D.Officer
ENTER | ACCELERATION: SHORT LIVED!
I met Mr. Bello (The Nigerian who was raised in London). as a patron of mine at Applebee's. He gave me a smile, which at the time I naively misinterpreted as friendly. He told me about a great opportunity in real estate at Concord Mortgage Company in Melville, NY. in which someone of my skills could benefit from. Referring to my ability to remember an entire group of 6 order in my head even if they requested specific modifications (WITHOUT WRITING ANYTHING DOWN!).
Michael encouraged me to try it out. So, I did. I became so well as a processor/underwriter that I hired my older sister and brother so they could earn as much as I was.
I mean this was prime time real estate boom! All you needed was a heartbeat to get a mortgage. At one point I was closing loans in 3 days!!! so this was a no brainer. Plus, I quickly learned the strategy to get deals done quickly: was to find out every any anything the bank would need + gather it in advance = An amazing person to work with. Thus, you'll never have to worry about her deals!
There was a point while working late one night, the smile Mr. Bello gave me, had a smell of alcohol coming from it along with bloodshot red eyes. He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards his penis and forced me to have sex with him. Once again, I was left confused and numb. (Looking back, I was just looking for someone to guide me. I was so book smart. But NO ONE took the chance to teach me about real life and he introduced to me real estate).
This happened repeatedly and grudgingly I accepted this type of treatment for myself. Mr. Bello knew Michael was pursing his music career so financially it was all on me. So, he dangled the financial future of my family over my head. So, I had sex with him.
(Leaving my job was not an option to take, I was like 20- 22 bringing home est. $100k. I'm intelligent: Strippers and video girls weren't making the moves, given access to the power in the crowds I was in.
I own my shit! I mean why subject yourself to have sex with several low value men that you can't learn and grown from? Thats actually a tragedy the opposite Seems like a no brainer. Sex is just sex. we all do it.
For me now: a father properly navigates his little girl though life. He sets her foundation for what she is to expect from men and the world. Otherwise, the world will teach her confusion, manipulation & will exploit her. Then she'll exploit herself because of her confused mismanaged emotions).
It got to the point where he would be so absurd in front of my co-workers and my family. That I hired mind you. With me not standing up for myself. I was expecting someone else to stand up for me, certainly my family but no one came. (As kids we learn someone will save you via our parents. when your 18 you have to be explained. "Now this time you save yourself" but with my guidance. No one told me that).
My family and co-workers made up their own speculations and told Michael "I was having an affair with Bello".
Straight off the back he agreed with them. I never even had an opportunity to speak. I knew in that moment I was alone. No one was in my corner, not him, not my family. (In this time period Michael was temperamental. He had what I felt to be: A mom that manipulated him and added gaslighted drama between him & his cousin. So, I knew, even if I could convince him of the truth. He would fly off the handle on me and then I would have no one in my corner. So, I denied and settled for the people I had in my life). They were all I knew! (unproductive ideologies & self-sabotage)
This is where my relationship with Gee went left. I was not only dealing with shit at work. Now also in my personal life.
1. Her very best friend. Funny her name is also Danielle. Now I know she could never be me so let's call her Sheneneh (homage to Martin Lawrence) who ran a bar off Murdock in Queens, NY. Wanted to fuck Michael. Not because he was a good person or had a great heart. It was because ultimately, she wanted Curtis. And if he was out of reach, she would degrade herself for the runner up! (For me now: she must have been traumatized as well, to believe they were her way out=savior - save:her = A source outside of herself).
Ladies & gentleman: A human being without a vision, needs to work on themselves. I believe if you've had a tough life. Your purpose is to learn the lessons, make a change in yourself and then creatively use the lessons to change the world. That is your superpower, as only a select few of us have the ability to survive the streets.
Sheneneh would even inappropriately touch and make lude suggestive comments to Michael in front of me and his mother! The first time I was stunned, they acted as if this is how things are normally. (Another character flag on the field for Michael, confusion with familiar Gee = trauma for me).
For me now: When your intuition sends you a warning signal. Run. Don't walk away from the situation. As clearly, he did not respect me. Moreover: Noone had respect for themselves to allow it by not speaking up.
Hum now that I think about it:
Bello "dangled money" in front of me
Sheneneh "dangled sex" in front of Michael
were her actions any different than Bello?
Through my life experiences I understand for Sheneneh to degrade herself in that manner: she was looking to be saved. As her intentions was to go from guy to guy until she found what she needed. A savior. Plus, this was his mother's friend = substantially older than us. She should have already learned life's lessons.
I was looking to be protected. One person.
To be protect= Defend, guard, prevent harm.
To be saved = To help to survive. Know the difference.
Things between me and Gee finally caved in when she had the audacity to accused ME of wanting to sleep with Michael's father aka her husband aka Sr. Background: Gee had proof at the time: of Sr. having an affair with several other women and a considerable amount of creepy unposed photos he took of me.
Background: Prior to Gee speaking to me. I had already explained to Michael "Your father makes me extremely uncomfortable and there have been times that he has tried to get me to
His father would do just like Bello: But for Michael's dad he used his lottery winnings to dangle in front of me: saying "Oh I will give you $100 if you give me a hug!"
After I informed Michael expecting him to protect me. He turned around and blamed me saying: "well, why didn't you just leave the room". It's your fault for being alone with him in a room (some more confusion, adding to the already low self-worth I had). Now: I believe Michael had a conversation with Gee, and she convinced him it was me and not her husband. Who was actually the person in the wrong.
In the later year's Michael tells me: Curtis at some point told G that he had slept with me! Something about a tattoo. Which was even more baffling as I HAD NEVER MET HIM! (It was a outright lie).
For me now: This would explain why Michael and his mother teamed up against me with his father. They believed a lie. In which I did not stand a chance to defend against! When in reality it was her husband aka Sr that came onto me. NOT me go to him. With him: I could semi stand up for myself by leaving the room. So, Ms. Danielle Officer keeps her dignity!
You know the way we respond when were TOTALLY uncomfortable with someone's actions. But not quite sure how to address it.
Whenever Sr. made me uncomfortable, I would just go to another room or leave. See I had learned a bit from the streets in which I felt: degrading myself to him has no value. Sr. has nothing to offer anyone. This was a man. That as a child witnessed his father sexually assault other family members (TREMENDOUS BROKEN TRAUMA). Which although not with me, I know he did commit sexual assault with someone else who is not as strong as I am now to speak up (more on that in: SHIT GETS CRAZY).
The constant degrading of myself at work allowed me to purchase us our first 4-bedroom 2-bath home in Long Island, NY. (The co-dependency between he and I was a staple like crime at a Waffle House.
(During this period: Bello had an untimely demise in a hotel with 2 of my co-workers, a few prostitutes and drugs. Of a heart attack. I believe he was 35 at the time. Had a wife who spoke very little English (not from USA), and they had 2 kids.
Like literally his death was caught on the news! Some sleezy hotel in queens = who really degraded themselves Danielle? Not I and that's MY facts! Opinions are unsolicited with love)
This is the period, I thought I was flying high, I learned enough in real estate and in such a short period of time. I pretty much took over the office. I was like 22 with primary control over 3 personal properties and closing deals in my sleep.
Until Bello's partner did not feel comfortable having an "underwriter" as a partner. Even though that team made more money under my guidance. Right after my departure real estate crashed in 2008.
I lost myself: My job, my investments, my partner.
(Michael's true story told by him. To me. Finally in 2022: he had 7 other females in his life. I wasn't actually upset when I found out. More of:
I CAN trust my fucking gut. I knew he wore multiple masks throughout our relationship but had not proof as I was always secluded from everyone!)
I went from spa massages 2x a times a week and going from living in a 5-bedroom 2 bath, home with a weight room & pool. To Michael moving home with his mother (Character flag: inappropriate adult mom attachment). Me and my daughter moved into one room of a shelter with a Bunk Bed in Freeport, NY. The bathroom was small and shared with everyone on the floor.
*I say I thought this is when I lost myself, THE REALITY: I was lost a long time ago. Although my mother gave me a voice. I kept waiting for a safe place to actually express it.
Actually, let's call this next period STAGNATION
If someone helps you and then expects from you.
You're a victim. When you're manipulated.
- For those still reading Ms. D. Officer
ENTER | STAGNATION: IT FELT FOREVER
Meaning for me my accomplishments made me who I was.
I made people depending on me.
As who I was, the accolades I achieved was who I was! And now, I was LOST.
My co-dependency was inertia, during this period. I couldn't see my own strength. So, I looked to him.
Because I kept ruminating: Michael protected me when I needed a home. I constantly referred back to that moment when I thought Michael gave me what I was lacking within. Protection & security.
(Looking back, he was no more knowledgeable than me to solve my problem of lack of self-worth. How could I put that kind of pressure on the man I love? Now I understand that the protection & security I was looking for was just underdeveloped within me).
The day I moved into the shelter, I remember speaking with the coordinator and telling her " WE will be out in 30 days! I vaguely recall her stating "that's too soon, most people need more time than that!"
Well SHIT, "she don't know me"! AND. on the 30th day, I had gotten a job at Elm Air Conditioning in Freeport NY and my parents were helping me move (my stuff in plastic bags!) But myself and my daughter got a one-bedroom apartment FUCK her limiting beliefs!
Soon after, Michael was sent to prison. I remember having to use my cell phone, drive to work and in addition. Use the office phone. Dialing the hotline repeatedly every Monday just to make an appointment to see him for the week.
Background: you had to keep re-dialing the number until it rings. Then you get the actual booking hotline. Sometimes it took over an hour, and the hotline opened at 8:00 AM the same time my daughter has to get to school, and I have to get myself to work. (In my mind. He's in jail. This is NOT a wait till I get to work situation).
To state facts, I made almost every single visitation except two. 1. His grandparents wanted a visit and 2. Was a girl he was fucking with before he went to jail (*the mask*) he was stern on me not visiting (He says it was his time of acceptance. He wanted to accept that he would have to stay inside the full term)!
Ladies and gentlemen (and all other identities) this is why I stated in the beginning:
Lesson 5: Misusing words causes confusion to the mind.
When your mind is confused. Your easy to be manipulated.
You're naive. When you're confused.
Because when you're naive. You can't discern other's intentions.
- Ms. Danielle Officer
But in my silly little naive head. I said to myself (Ignore his actions. This man looked out for you, so not on my watch! I for damn sure. Will certainly save him)!
After working arduously with the New York Parole Board, I was finally able to get him released on a special law for those with only one incident. To date I never understand why he told people 50 Cent had something to do with it. I can attest HE HAD NOTHING to do with it.
There was a female parole officer, who I begged. Yes, I said begged
(Look out for the understanding train:
I've since stopped using the word please from my vocabulary. For me: To please implies to BEG . No human being has to beg. Slaves begged so that we get the opportunity to simply ask for what you need. Just be clear on what you actually need first.
Unless my intentions are to strongly guide a human being out of their own way in which I will say it in an endearingly way).
Scroll up to pick the story back up.
If she could go to see him before she went on vacation. I even went to her boss! They both told me NO. But then... She surprised him and I by showing up that night before her trip to release him from jail.
I cannot recall her name, I'd like to sincerely, thank her! I am so grateful and appreciative of her assistance. Taking the time out before her personal vacation. Public service employees are not all terrible!
Clearly, I was DESPERATE for someone to come back to me. Who wore a different mask to me every day.
My desperation to get him out was rooted on me not going against the vow I made to myself, the day he looked out for me. In case you forgot it was:
"To always protect. Michael."
By making that declaration to myself: I ensured I would ignore all of my own needs in the future!
Lesson 6: Learn the lessons of life
or you'll fail and repeat the semester!
Ms. Dani Officer
ENTER | SHITS GETTING CRAZY
:IDK TINY HUMANS WERE BORN
In January 2011, we had our first son. My daughter was now 10 and now I'm responsible for all 4 humans (me, him, her & our son). One of which: used my breast for nourishment EVERY 2 HOURS on demand. (it's just ruthless!)
I go into complete postpartum depression. Him not informed and unwilling to learn about the responsibilities that come with a new mother and new baby made things worse, he tells me: I'm a horrible and neglectful mother for needing a break. From everything.
I was paying $800 for us to live in a basement room of a house near Baisley Park, NY. That Michael's aunt Sandy's sub sub-subleased to us! You read that correct, not an apartment a room. Four of us in a room with a small makeshift kitchen/ my daughter's bedroom with a hot plate to cook with. Keeping things tidy was like solving a Rubic's cube! It was frustrating to know that it was Gee who arranged to have her best friend, Stefhanie (a family of 3) take the first and second level of the home. Me, Michael and our two kids in the basement area.
Here I am with a human being sucking my life away in what I felt was a dungeon with one window, covered with bars.
It was what I could afford at the time. and served its purpose.
I recall going to Michael and saying babe "this is a lot on me". "I'm exhausted, and need a break", Without a dime his response was "What kind of mother leaves their child?!".
This statement coming from the man I loved, stayed with ME for years as the truth! Can you imagine the guilt a broken, emotionally co-dependent Danielle put herself through? This is again why I sate:
Misusing words causes confusion to the mind.
When the mind is confused it's easy to be manipulated.
You're a victim. When you're confused.
Because if you're weak. You can't discern other's intentions.
- You'll learn this before you leave. Ms. Officer
Please don't feel sad for her, the thing is she should have spoken up and set a boundary or walked away the very first time she felt disrespected, but we are now years in with lots of character flaws (Don't put complete trust in someone's words: you need a healthy balance of actions and words).
At the same time, of dealing with my own trauma, confusion and now a physical dungeon. I'm set aside by the information of Sr.'s repeated sexual assault against an innocent person. At first, I fly off the handle. Then there was a moment when Michael and Gee ganged up on me and bullied me by threatening to take my kids away with Curtis's impressive legal team. Once again, I retreated to my coping mechanism: Dear in headlights, numb & confused.
For me now: For a mother to do this to her son is a sign of emotional incest, manipulation, bullying & gaslighting caused by her own lack of self-esteem and toxic ideologies influenced by her personal circumstances - Sr.'s consistent sexual habits = misdirected emotions of deflection, rage, anger or jealousy.
Then there was Michael's participation. It killed a part of me.
This happens because of a fear of loss and false control = AN UNSTABLE FOUNDATION.
SPEED BUMP: LIFE'S KARMA
In October 2022 Gee attempted to dis-acknowledge me while on a supposed visit to see her grandchildren harping over having to pay for a pizza pie (I don't even eat pizza) preoccupied by her phone and not engaged with my kids:
I strike luck (= preparation + opportunity) to discuss this very topic.
Background: Gee has had me blocked from her phone for the last 2 years! As up until the time of writing this:
(Gee's negative emotions coming in): "I had no right to speak to her about her family", While touching her chest.
Gee was referring to our last encounter when I said: "I feel she purposeful keeps drama that stifles the relationship between Curtis, and Michael".
(For me: In this situation the chest touch was a dramatic visual sign of self-reassurance when she's discussing something that makes her clearly uncomfortable and weak = vulnerable).
Gee begins to explain to me and my mother (virtually):
"Sr. had taken a lie detector test regarding the sexual assault of that innocent person".
I explain: If you went to an extreme measure such as have a Lie Detector Test completed on your HUSBAND then for years you did believe he committed those actions!
Her response: typical:
"This has nothing to do with me" looking everywhere but my eyes.
"He & I have been in therapy for the last 5 years"
"If you like, I can arrange one for you and him".
When the awkward silence fell upon the room Gee deflects and then tries to inject levity by mentioning her 2 master's degrees in psychology. And that I'm now trying to manipulate her!
I (giving her the same energy) and say: Cute: I have intuition! then I sarcastically stroke the walls and the floors, explaining:
" I got your son this house. And all the things in it. And he had an Uber job. How did your degree's work out for you"?
I've learned: when a human deflects and becomes irate = signs of guilt, shame, fear, self-victimizing, self-judgement, etc.
They use this tactic in an attempt to re-validate their EGO. They will also get loud (in an attempt to fill up the room) while in front of an audience i.e., my younger children and mother remotely.
If you haven't learned self-control: And the mind gets caught in a lie:
The mind becomes consumed by negative self-emotions, burdened by lack of proper skills to verbally express your needs. Self-frustration sets in which produces an unthought out action= DRAMA.
Humans that have not learned self-control take extreme childish measures like blocking your number or social media accounts in an attempt to banish you emotionally: When you don't leave room for thought, you leave room to regret your actions causing further self-shame, keeping you in an imprisonment of the mind which will surely cause your own demise = a heart attack as "were" commonly exposed to.
Admittingly now, I could apologize for the manner in which I expressed my emotions (not what I said) the last time we spoke. Which was over the phone. However, I will never apologize to an adult-bully child with pigtails living in her ego who has uncontrolled outburst and tantrums! Who would then use my apology as my acceptance to her toxic behavior all while Self-sabotaging her opportunity for self-acceptance = Narcissist confusing right... whelp that's the loop! for 20 years!
It's an unproductive conversation. Plus, a verbal heavy weight, such as myself: it really just drains me mentally. I Imagine brain cells dripping out of my ear when having conversations with humans like this!
BACK TO THE SHOW IN PROGRESS:
In trying to bury myself back into work to escape the tug of war we hit.
2012 during hurricane Sandy (literally)
I found out I'm pregnant a second time, but I had to be rushed from neglectful ass QLIMG in valley stream, NY. To Franklin hospital.
1. To be informed I was pregnant
2. and then informed I needed immediate surgery as the baby had twisted my left fallopian tube.
For me now: I understand why a baby could not have been born into the world with my circumstances.
The rest of that situation is currently a blur. But right after this, I got my career back on track and began working again as an underwriter of commercial real estate at GCP Capital Group in Great Neck, NY.
Just in case you missed that drive by and burial of my feelings: I physically distracted myself by making money in order to escape my feelings. I was in serious abandonville coping with my emotions!
If a person is not useful.
Then their useless.
We all use each other.
Be clear on how your being used.
- Ms. D. Officer
ENTER | GETTING BACK ON TRACK:
WHO KNOWS SLEEP IS A DISTANT MEMORY
NOW I'm making enough to get us a real 3-bedroom apartment with lots of windows on a third floor! Whoo hoo! I love natural sunlight!
In 2013 we had our second son. Which was emotional and traumatic for me:
1. To discover I DO have the ability to have another child after losing part of my fallopian tubes.
2.Michael was not there for me (adding on to the insecurities and self-doubt mentioned earlier).
TO BE CONT. | BUT SHORT SUMMARY:
Michael's predictable blatant lies, theft, cheating on our both parts, threesomes, closing my business cleanbabygear for health reasons. The additional lies I've told myself. Discovering I was pregnant @ 6 trimesters during the pandemic (talk about traumatizing). losing 151lbs without a medical explanation during my last two pregnancies which I believe was my angels protection against black magic or spell work done against me by Gee, buying a home and putting it in Michael's name. Guiding my kids through their trauma. Him threatening to kick me out any chance he gets. Gee constantly dangling an inheritance in front of Michael or threatening to take my kids away.
Hum now that I think about it
Bello "dangled money" in front of me
Sheneneh "dangled sex" in front of Michael
Gee "dangled inheritance money" in front of Michael
What's different in their actions?
A denial of his proposal given to me under false intentions. Family's generational unacknowledged emotional manipulation & gaslighting bad habits. Falling in love again with myself, excelling with my mother, leaping bounds with my eldest, surrounding myself with useful relationships, finding empowerment and protection with firearms. Michael consistently locking me out of his vehicle because I stand up for myself.
Finally, I see my own value. Leaving Michael after 20 years seems so strange to his family and friends. However, from my altitude. I'm right where I need to be. I am unclear of Curtis's actual involvement, as he hasn't spoken with me to provide clarity with the gap fillers. I believe he may be unaware of how his contributions to society have affected me. Through my pain I was inspired to create the first privately run, public access, S.T.E.M. Innovation hub @ NRG Center.
Danielle Officer Inc, transforms underserved county properties
By way of corporate partner/sponsorships
Into: Privately run, Public Access S.T.E.M Innovation Hubs
Maybe I should produce a bestseller about my prior life? Currently "they say: I need to work on my attention" I say I'm actually recognizing when I'm bored and tell myself: finish up.
Free. To be ME. Because now. I finally say so!
Anyone who easily believes lies about you:
Without hearing your side of the story:
Was already looking for a way to be against you:
Now you know: How to move, be thankful!
- Ms. D. Officer
As a conscious Queen.
I will protect myself and
share my life with:
My conscious king.
Who values building an indestructible foundation.
He will understand and nurture my sensitive sides.
While embracing my Boss bitch unpredictable ways.
We will heal our trauma. Together.
While having each other's back.
So that WE. Don't have to deal with societies toxic ideologies.
As we pursue our goals. Parallel to each other.
Leaving a legacy for the world.
Clearly, I'm not perfect nor here to tell you the road to exposing my vulnerable self was and still is an easy one. It took tremendous courage for me to face and identify myself. Then put my story here for judgment and ridicule. But I believe. My story can help. Even if it's just one person or give inspiration. Then I am fulfilling my life's purpose. I chose to take my pain and make something Legendary.
The journey takes commitment to change. Hyper-attention on self-correction. Embracing all aspects of yourself.
Then clearly articulate yourself to others!
"My mother did not give me trinkets,
She did give me. A space. To have a voice.
So, I could be me & change the WORLD!"
Danielle Officer Inc ~
For my first-class departures: I anticipate you learned more than 9 lessons.
If not: Scroll up and repeat the semester.
Lucky for you:
I'm an open book!
- Danielle Officer