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My mission: To bring awareness to OUR mental intergenerational trauma created by environments filled with toxic ideologies.

I want my story to make a social change on the importance of finding your own individuality.

My truth has set me free.

Put your seatbelt on, it's been a ride.

Lesson:

Misusing words causes confusion to the mind.

When your mind is confused. Your easy to be manipulated.

You're a victim. When you're confused.

 Because if you're dizzy. You can't discern other's intentions.

                                                    - Danielle Officer

Misusing words causes confusion to the mind.

When your mind is confused. Your easy to be manipulated.

You're a victim. When you're confused.

 Because if you're dizzy. You can't discern other's intentions.

                                                    - Danielle Officer

ENTER | MY INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA JOURNEY

IN THE BEGINNING 

At 14, I found out my Stepfather was not my birth father by way of my birth certificate.

 

See, I had my mother's maiden name. As a child this never posed as an issue, that was: up until I needed my birth certificate for school. She kind of just gave it to me, let's just say in a manner that made me feel terrible for even asking for it!

 This was the start of some very traumatic events. Some can relate and some would gasp and drop their jaw at my mother. In my healing, closure came the moment I accepted my mother as a human!

 

See for me: I understand, for someone to go through extremes such as that. She must have had some heavy trauma. See there. This had nothing to do with me.

 

Prior to that moment: my mother NEVER showed ill intentions to me until that day. BUT at 36 I realized it's not my mother's fault for my anger & frustrations. I experienced my own bit of karma as my own daughter felt abandoned by me.  During my "survival period "More on this later. But with that I forgive myself for harboring unproductive feelings. 


That same year, I lost my virginity to an older man (22). Who the next day had another girl in his bed. I've grown as I now know: The incidents prior, made me broken and without the knowledge of how to discern men in particular. Because I developed a void in trust.

 

My foundation of trust was a lie when I discovered the truth. Now I understand the importance of telling children the truth: At their level. It allows them to not make up negative self-fantasies in their head which leads to misdirected emotions.

In frustration I would take long walks (natures works well for us empaths).

 

At 15 while walking at night a group of six men dragged me into a dark alley in Queens, NY and sexually assaulted me. This incident left me with guilt, shame & self-disrespect for almost 15 years! I had also developed night terrors and a fear of going out at night.

 That changed when legally learned how to protect myself with a firearm!

This period is still hazy. I recall running away from home. Having sex with strange men for money. I stripped in dirty places where I was introduced to a female.

Who approached me with a smile. While taking a shower. Honestly, I was so lost and numb. I didn't really care what was happening. And that's the moment I became bisexual. I guess.

At 16, I gave birth to my eldest daughter. Not a child from the assault. This relationship ended quickly. And that's all about him folks. But I was somewhat aware of the effects of my own trauma. So, it was most important for my daughter to know whom her father is in whatever capacity he shows up. NOW I feel it's my job to navigate her through the waters of truth and therefore she will be better at discerning people and herself in relationships.

At 18, as a single mom. Or what I like to call a guppy swimming directly into the shark tank. Which for me ment: Time to grow up bigger, I had no other choice but to go and take care of me and my daughter: that ment going back to school. Getting a job. To provide a roof over our heads. (Looking back, that's the strength I saw in my mother)!

 

So, I went to school full time during the day and 2 part time jobs: Applebee's and the Hard Rock Cafe (Peep my game. I controlled my time. By obtaining 2 flexible part time jobs

 

It's easy to get someone to pick up an extra shift. It's impossible to be flexible with an office job.

 

And still had my daughter in head start and attended every family activity!

ENTER | SURVIVAL PERIOD: 20 YEARS

 

At this point my car was literally more important to me than an apartment!

 

(If this sounds crazy. it's ignorant another to consider another perspective. Which could be the info you need to grow).

 

 BUT in my mind: A car would get me to work. And both of us to school. And we could sleep in it. I found places for us to clean up.

 

See, I couldn't afford both an apartment and car. So, I had to make a choice.

 

During this time. I met my future children's father Michael Francis aka Continental Five aka Two Five aka 50 cent's cousin. An instant bond forms like rapid fire between me and Michael. See when we first met he was completely vulnerable to me (at the time I thought). As I was to him. It felt magical. Like we were just connected. Our paths although very different were the same!

Meaning I was raised in Riverhead, NY ("pretty proper").

He was from South Jamaica, Queens ("the hood").

I was unaware of all the stigma surrounding his family.

I just saw an amazing spirit in him.

 

 

I tell him my living "situation" so without a beat, he had me and my daughter "kinda" move in with him & his parents. (I say kinda because like I mentioned earlier, we were sleeping in my Malibu. I also don't recall if an actual conversation took place with his parents around us staying there) 

For me I had a fear of rejection and being honest with another person was hard after my childhood. His act of accepting me flawed n all and then generosity to open door for me and my daughter to be safe... He was my savior. He showed such strength, such authority, such power. I saw all this in him, and my lack. I wanted it within me. Which all equated to if I can't have it within surround myself with it and then you will have security.

 

That was a false belief helping me in a tight spot is one thing. I made him my savior is another. I now understand the fact that each person can only save themselves first.

Remember, I was the guppy swimming faster in the shark tank. He had been through life experiences which made him a protector. In my mind I could swim (fast I mean my ideas are legendary!) without having to pay attention in these dangerous as hell waters!  (The world) That day I made a vow to always protect the person that saved me. Michael. (I created a facade of balance)

 

I went into the relationship an unbalanced and broken person looking to my partner for the answers. When he was trying to figure out his own path. IMO it's not anyone's responsibility. It's my responsibility to identify my shit and stop my unhealthy behavior. 

ENTER | ACCELERATION PERIOD: SHORT LIVED!

I met Mr. Bello as a patron of mine at Applebee's. He gave me a smile, which at the time I naively misinterpreted as friendly. He told me about a great opportunity in real estate at Concord Mortgage Company in Melville, NY. in which someone of my skills could benefit from. Referring to my ability to remember an entire group of 6 order in my head even if they requested specific modifications (WITHOUT WRITING ANYTHING DOWN!).

 

Michael encouraged me to try it out. So, I did. I became so well as an underwriter that I hired my older sister and brother so they could earn as much as I was.

I mean this was prime time real estate boom! All you needed was a heartbeat to get a mortgage. At one point I was closing loans in 3 days!!! so this was a no brainer. Plus, I quickly learned the strategy to get deals done quickly: was to find out every any anything the bank would need + gather it in advance = An amazing person to work with. Thus, you'll never have to worry about her deals!

 

There was a point while working late one night, the smile Mr. Bello gave me, had a smell of alcohol coming from it along with bloodshot eyes. He grabbed my hand and forced me to have sex with him. Once again, I was left confused and numb. (Looking back, I was just looking for someone to guide me. I was so book smart. But NO ONE took the chance to teach me about real life and he did).

 

This happened repeatedly. Mr. Bello knew Michael was pursing his career so financially it was all on me. So, he dangled the financial future of my family over my head. So, I had sex with him.

 

(Leaving my job was not an easy choice to make, however I was extremely young bringing home $100k. Even with my smarts. Strippers weren't making the moves in the crowds I was in)

It got to the point where he would be absurd in front of my co-workers and family. With me not standing up for myself Eventually, no one would standup for me. My family and co-workers made up their own speculations and told Michael "I was having a relationship with him". Straight off the back he agreed with them. I never even had an opportunity to speak. I knew in that moment I was alone. No one was in my corner, not him, not my family. (In this time period Michael was temperamental I knew, even if I could convince him of the truth. He would fly off the handle and then I would have no one in my corner. So, I denied and settled for the people I had in my life). They were all I knew!

The constant degrading of myself allowed me to purchase us our first 4-bedroom 2-bath home in Long Island, NY. (The co-dependency between he and I was a staple like pancakes at Ihop).

(During this period Bello died in a hotel with 2 of my co-workers, a few prostitutes and drugs. Of a heart attack. I believe he was 35 at the time. Had a wife who spoke very little English, and they had 2 kids. Like literally his death was caught on the news! Some sleezy hotel in queens = who really degraded themselves Danielle? Not I and that's MY facts! Opinions are unsolicited with love)

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"We have to see the value in us individually"

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Lesson:

Misusing words causes confusion to individuals.

When you're confused your easy to be manipulated.

You're a victim. When you're confused.

 Because if you're dizzy. You can't discern other's intentions.

- For those still reading Ms. D. Officer

This is the period, I thought I was flying high, I learned enough and in such a short period of time. I pretty much took over the office. I was like 21 with primary control over 3 personal properties. 

 

 

Until Bello's partner did not feel comfortable having an "underwriter" as a partner. Even though that team made more money under my guidance. Right after my departure real estate crashed in 2008.

I lost myself: My job, my investments, my partner

 

(His true story told by him to me. Finally in 2022: he had 7 other females in his life. I wasn't actually upset when I found out. More of: I CAN trust my fucking gut!)

 

and everything! I went from spa massages 2x a times a week and going from living in a 5-bedroom 2 bath, home with a weight room & pool. To him moving home with his mother. Me and my daughter moved into one room of a shelter with a Bunk Bed in Freeport, NY. The bathroom was small and shared with everyone on the floor.

*I say I thought this is when I lost myself, THE REALITY: I was lost a long time ago. Although my mother gave me a voice. I kept waiting for a safe place to actually express it. 

Actually, let's call this next period STAGNATION

ENTER | STAGNATION PERIOD: IT FELT FOREVER

Meaning for me my accomplishments made me who I was.

I made people depending on me.

As who I was, the accolades I achieved was who I was! And now, I was LOST.

My co-dependency was inertia, during this period. I couldn't see my own strength. So, I looked to him.

Because I kept ruminating: Michael saved me. I constantly referred back to that moment when I thought Michael gave me what I was lacking within. Strength to keep going!

(Looking back, he was no more knowledgeable than me to solve my problem of lack of self-worth. How could I put that kind of pressure on the man I love? Now I understand that the strength & security I was looking for was just underdeveloped within me). 

The day I moved into the shelter, I remember speaking with the coordinator and telling her " WE will be out in 30 days! I vaguely recall her stating "that's too soon, most people need more time than that!"

Well SHIT, "she don't know me"! AND. on the 30th day, my parents were helping me move (my stuff in plastic bags!) But myself and my daughter got a one-bedroom apartment FUCK her limiting beliefs!

 

At the same time, Michael was sent to prison. I remember having to use my cell phone drive to work and also use the office phone. Dialing the hotline repeatedly every Monday just to make an appointment to see him for the week. You see you had to keep re-dialing the number until it rings. Then you get the actual booking hotline. Sometimes it took over an hour, and the hotline opens at 8:00 AM when my daughter has to get to school, and I have to get myself to work. (In my mind. He's in jail. This is NOT a wait till I get to work situation).

To state facts, I made almost every single visitation except two. 1. His grandparents wanted a visit and the other (was a girl he was fucking with) he was stern on me not visiting (He says it was his time of acceptance. He wanted to accept that he would have to stay inside the full term)! Ladies and gentlemen (and all other identities) this is why I stated in the beginning: 

Misusing words causes confusion to individuals.

When you're confused your easy to be manipulated.

You're a victim. When you're confused.

 Because if you're dizzy. You can't discern other's intentions.

                                                    - Danielle Officer

But in my silly little naive head. I said to myself (Ignore his actions. This man saved you, so not on my watch! I for damn sure was going to save him)!

 

After working arduously with the New York Parole Board, I was finally able to get him released on a special law for those with only one incident. To date I never understand why he told people 50 Cent had something to do with it. I can attest HE HAD NOTHING to do with it. 

There was a female parole officer, who I begged. Yes, I said begged

 

(Look out for the understanding train:

I've since removed the word please from my vocabulary. For me: To please implies is to BEG human being has to beg. Slaves begged so that we get the opportunity to simply ask for what you need.

Unless my intentions are too strongly guide a human being out of their own way)

 

Rewind to pick the story back up. If she could go to see him before she went on vacation. I even went to her boss! They both told me NO. But then... She surprised him and I by showing up that night before her trip to release him from jail.  

I cannot recall her name, but if I would sincerely, thank her.

 

At the time I was DESPERATE for someone who had a mask on his face!

 

My desperation to get him out was rooted on me not going against the vow I made to myself, the day I thought he saved me. In case you forgot it was:

 

"To always protect the person that saved me. Michael."

 

By making that declaration to myself: I ensured I would ignore all of my own needs in the future! 

ENTER | SHITS GETTING CRAZY

PERIOD: IDK KIDS WERE BORN

In January 2011, we had our first son. Now my oldest was 10. I was now responsible for 4 humans. One of which was to use my breast for nourishment EVERY 2 HOURS on demand. (it's just ruthless!) I go into complete postpartum depression. Him not understanding, the responsibilities that come with a new mother and new baby made things worse, he tells me I'm a horrible and neglectful mother for needing a break. From everything. 

 

I was paying $800 for us to live in a basement room! You read that correct, not an apartment a room. Four of us in a room with a small makeshift kitchen/ my daughter's bedroom with a hot plate to cook with.

 

Here I am with a human being sucking my life away in what I felt was a dungeon with one window, covered with bars.

It was what I could afford at the time.

 

I recall going to Michael and saying babe "this is a lot on me". "I'm exhausted, and need a break", Without a dime his response was "What kind of mother leaves their child?!".

This statement coming from the man I loved, stayed with ME for years as the truth! Can you imagine the guilt a broken, emotionally co-dependent Danielle put herself through?  This is again why I sate:

Misusing words causes confusion to individuals.

When you're confused your easy to be manipulated.

You're a victim. When you're confused.

 Because if you're dizzy. You can't discern other's intentions.

                                                    - You'll learn this before you leave. Ms. Officer

Please don't feel sad for her, the thing is she should have spoken up and set a boundary or walked away the very first time she felt disrespected, but we are now years in. 

Fast forward to 2012 during hurricane Sandy (A lot has happened in between this period: hence that's why I'm saying fast forward). 

 

I found out I was pregnant a second time, but I had to be rushed from neglectful ass QLIMG in Green Acres, NY. To Franklin hospital.

 

1. To be informed I was pregnant 

2. To be informed I need immediate surgery as the baby has my left tube. 

 

 I actually, can't recall what happened after this period. It's currently a blur. But right after this, I finally got my career back on track and began working again as an underwriter in commercial real estate.

Just in case you missed that drive by burial of my feelings: I physically distracted myself by making money in order to escape my feelings. I was in serious abandonville! 

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Lesson:

Misusing words causes confusion to individuals.

When you're confused your easy to be manipulated.

You're a victim. When you're confused.

 Because if you're dizzy. You can't discern other's intentions.

                        - Told Ya. Ms. D. Officer

ENTER | TRYING TO GET BACK ON TRACK

PERIOD: WHO KNOWS SLEEP IS A DISTANT MEMORY

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NOW I'm making enough to get us a real 3-bedroom apartment with lots of windows on a third floor!

 

In 2013 we had our second son. Which was emotional and traumatic for me.

1. To discover I DO have the ability to have another child after losing part of my left tube.

2.Michael was not there for me (adding on to the insecurities and self-doubt mentioned earlier). 

 

There was so much more to my prior life. Currently "they say I need to work on my attention" I say I'm actually recognizing when I'm bored and to finish up.

 

Short summary: Michael's blatant lies, theft, cheating on both parts, threesomes, closing my business for personal reasons. The additional lies I've told myself. Discovering I was pregnant @ my 6 trimesters during the pandemic (talk about traumatizing). losing 151lbs during my last two pregnancies, buying a home and putting it in Michael's name. Falling in love again with myself, finding empowerment and protection with firearms. A denial of his proposal given to me under false intentions. Family's generational unacknowledged emotional manipulation & gaslighting bad habits.

 

 Leaving Michael after 20 years seems strange. However, from my altitude. I'm right where I need to be. For me.

Free. To be ME. Because now. I finally say so!

After dealing with my own shit. I realized: my entire life; I've been expecting someone. To save me. Someone to. Make me whole from my traumatic past. 

On the day, that I vowed to always save Michael.

I betrayed myself!

As a Queen.

I will share my life with: 

A king aka twin flame.

Someone who understands and nurtures my sensitive side.

While embracing my Boss bitch unpredictable ways.

We will heal our trauma. Together.

While having each other's back.

So that WE. Don't have to deal with societies Bull Shit.

As we pursue our goals. Parallel to each other.

Leaving a legacy for the world. 

 

Clearly, I'm not perfect nor here to tell you the road to exposing my vulnerable self was and still is an easy one. It took tremendous courage for me to face and identify myself. Then put my story here for judgment and ridicule. But I believe. That if my story can help. Even one person or give inspiration. Then I'm fulfilling my life's purpose. 

 

 

The journey takes commitment to change. Hyper-attention on self-correction. Embracing all aspects of yourself.

Then clearly articulate yourself to others!

"My mother did not give me trinkets,

She did give me. A space. To have a voice.

So, I could be me & change the WORLD!"

 Ms. Danielle Officer ~

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THE HERSTORY OF 
DANIELLE OFFICER

For my first-class departures: Listen up:

Misusing words causes confusion to individuals.

When you're confused your easy to be manipulated.

You're a victim. When you're confused.

 Because if you're dizzy. You can't discern other's intentions.

                                                    - Danielle Officer